


Out of Heaven's reach

by Ain_t_bovvered



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angel Mojo, Angel Powers, Angel True Forms, Angel Wings, Angel/Human Relationships, Angelic Grace, Angels, Angels are Dicks, Castiel & Dean Winchester Friendship, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel & You Friendship, Castiel Feels, Castiel In Love, Castiel in the Bunker, F/M, Fallen Angels, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, Love, Love Confessions, Wings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-06-24 10:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15628503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ain_t_bovvered/pseuds/Ain_t_bovvered
Summary: When the boys hit the 4th dead end, Castiel knew they were on the road to give up, maybe it was time to ask heaven for help, there must be some of his brothers or sisters who didn’t wanted him dead.





	1. Chapter 1

  


You felt him, even before his other foot left the sandbox.

Your face twitched slightly as you sat down around the table, the currently new sheriff in heaven had called for a meeting to count our numbers and something about no more wandering souls in the corridors. Ugh who cares anyway, always talking the angels, bla bla , like bureaucrats, just give me an order for heaven’s sake you groaned.

And then you felt it, just a bit earlier than the others.

You always had a special link with him, you were the next to walk on that sulfurous beach and almost the next to step on that slimy fish. He had tugged at your form with his grace .

So inappropriate …and intimate.

From that moment it was like he had left part of himself imprinted in your own grace.

You secretly searched, reached, bumped into, through centuries, and millennia.

You had become… what the apes call it? …friends. You trained together but you weren’t in the same garrison, there couldn’t be two commander, so, during war times you mostly fought side by side with your own factions. And you were good, really good , like you could read each other’s will and fluidly act in perfect harmony.

And then you felt the link thinning down , almost breaking and right next this booming voice, resounding in all of heaven.

“Dean Winchester is saved”

Curiosity took the best of you, observing apes had contaminated you with these…annoying little vices, who was this Dean that almost broke an eons old relationship,?

You stood in a corner as you watched the slow, but inexorable fall of your dearest friend, you had your orders to stay in your lane and guard your garrison, and that’s what you did.

Sometimes his grace reached weakly, grazing yours as to see if you were still there after the fall and you reached back, ‘yes , I’m okay…many weren’t’.

After his numerous deaths you decided that you couldn’t bear it anymore, receding most of what was left of your bond, you barely felt him, now that he spent all his time on earth.

What was is about that poisoned dying planet that entranced him so much, you never understood.

“Castiel” you whispered, tugging at the last strands of bond, you felt him, you felt his hope as he tugged back …almost….happy to feel you safe.

Without really saying anything, you flew away from that boring meeting, eager to see your old friend after so many years.

Nothing would have had prepared you.

What has been the mighty Seraph Castiel, was now compressed into one of those apes suit. His beautiful form barely visible under all that skin and industrial fabric. But it was when he locked eyes on you that you shivered. Those weren’t changed, the same beautiful grace seeped from them, latching onto yours, calling out to him.

Relief passed on his face as he sensed you responding warmly, your wings curled around you both, searching a more friendly greeting.

He looked sad and embarrassed as he reciprocate tentatively.

You drew back, a gasps escaped, as your eyes fell on his broken wings.

“Castiel…” you reached to touch them and he slightly tensed before allowing you. Almost afraid that what remained of those broken feathers shattered under your touch, you graze them gently. A shiver run through your being as you recognize the same texture and softness . Those beautiful wings were now of a deep black, can black be warm? Because that shade felt warm.

“What…” you said, still transfixed, your touch moved to where you knew would be sensible, his right crooked wing trembled. You sensed something shift in his grace, something that human describe as ….dignity?

And you understood “ ….you were the one who raised Dean Winchester from perdition …” more a statement than a question. His feather had caught the soot from hell, tainting them to that beautiful shad of black.

His true form seeped through his vessel, almost like it was reignited .

You smiled “…they suit you…the colour I mean “

“Thank you , Y/N . Even with the fall, yours are as magnificent as I remembered “

You felt your wings puffer up and scowled at yourself. “What are you doing here…?”

“I…” he seemed fidgeting and nervous, such difference from the great commander that fought beside you, but….earth did look good on him. “ I know I’m not welcome here …I guess “  
“You are right “

He flinched at those word and you tried to understand why , he was in fact not welcome here, surely he knew that. But then looking at you, he smiled “…Y/N you haven’t change a bit “

“you have “ you responded, a loop side grin sprung on the vessel’s face and you marvelled at how much it reflected Castiel real essence now that you had time to adjust to it.

“ was I like that too? Wow how the Winchester didn’t punch me in the face more often? “

“that would have harm them “

And then he laughed…you never saw Castiel laugh and it was as startling as it was beautiful. The laugh looked good on that tired face but the laugh on his entire form ….you never saw anything that beautiful since the first sun after the great rain.

“Why are you here Castiel? “

“….I … might need heaven’s help “

“I don’t think they’ll give it to you …”

The vessel hanged his head down and again you saw his form doing the same, how…very human. You started to believe that Castiel existed now on two plane of reality, in two forms, his true one and this …human.

“…what can I do for you?”

He raised his head, big eyes shining with grace, you had time to admire them “Y/N.. do you trust me?”

“always”

He send you coordinates telepathically “find a vessel and find me here” and he was gone.

—————————————————————-

Finding a vessel proved to be a little difficult, humans where less and less devoted since stuffs happened on earth, but finally you found one, a female trapped in her own mind, she gladly accepted with the promises of paradise for her soul once your job was done.

“Y/N …? “

You turned around stiffly, this container were so constricting that you felt like they would explode if you moved too fast “Castiel “

He looked at you concerned, his eyes squinting “…”

“.what?”

“you….” he seemed uncomfortable “ here, uhm….wear this “ he shrugged off that long clothing and wrapped it around you.

“…did I do something wrong?”

“…no…but you are wearing an hospital gown and….some might find it strange to see a girl almost naked and defenseless in the middle of a deserted road “

“….but I have my angel blade “

He chuckled and lead you to a metal thing with wheels.

“…I remember wheels….that had been a crazy day “

“…Dean’s gonna have too much fun tonight “ he murmured to himself, forcing you to sit down inside of that metal box.

Your being squirmed inside the vessel….Dean…you were gonna meet the reason you two drifted apart, the righteous man who replaced you. A new sensation formed in the vessel form as the car speeded on the road.

“You okay?, is your vessel hurt? You seem …ill “

“I don’t know, this is all very new to me “ you said flexing your hands in front of you “I think she wants….I want to punch someone”  
“…yeah being in a vessel for the first time…can be overwhelming. But try not to punch anyone”

—————————————————————————

“Cass?” A low voice echoed into the large underground room, behind the door two humans appeared and stopped in their tracks looking at you with a mixture of weariness and confusion, that subsided when Castiel put himself in front of you.

“…Who’s the chick, dude? “ The shorter one asked, you stepped aside to confront them again.

“I’m not a young chicken “ you replied offended, puffing up your chest but then you remembered they couldn’t see your wings, how dare he?

The humans raised their eyebrows,you stepped forward, fast , they didn’t see you moving and suddenly you were inches from their faces. Squinting at them you read their souls, and you were startled.

What….amazing souls they had, so …strong and righteous and so very broken.

You looked at the long haired one “you must be Dean Winchester”

“…no..no that’s me sweetheart “ the green eyed one said, sounding offended. Your head turned quickly and you took another step closer, his head leaning back to get some distance from your unblinking stare.

“hmmm….I thought you’d be taller “

“Alright …ok…first…look who’s talking ” he looked over your head “ Cass is she one of yours?”

“What do you mean? My true form is as tall as the Eiffel Tower”

“Yep…one of them “ the tall one added with a chuckle.

“Sam, Dean…..this is Y/N … an angel, we fought together in many wars, she agreed to help us”

“I agreed to help you, Castiel “ you said , still staring at Dean.

“where is the poor woman you are wearing?”

“safe” you snarled back and turned to Castiel, slapping Dean’s face with your hair “ Why am I here again?”

After they explained their problem you looked at Castiel confused .

“This …why do you need my help with this Castiel? You are more than capable to do this by yourself, even withouth this apes’ help”

“Oh…nice “ Dean scoffed “ she’s talk like you when you were an asshole Cass”

Rage bubbled up again and your eyes glowed , Dean took a step back “How dare you speak to him like that ? who do you think you are? Shows some respect “ you growled.

“Y/N! “ Castiel said carefully “ they are my friend , you can trust them. I…I’m not…at my full strength, you are probably the only angel who would agree to help me” his wings came into your mind again and the vessel’s heart clenched. Well this is uncomfortable you thought pressing your hand to your chest.

Humans….Castiel sacrificed so much for them, they don’t deserve him, they don’t deserve his faith.

Greedy little creature , that’s what they are, they pray for help, they pray for favors, for stupid things to satisfy their needs.

And now you looked at your friend again, so broken and hurt, how much he suffered, he died for them, still…he was still here, with them …and not with you, when heaven and his own kind needed him.

When you needed him.

Another strange feeling gripped your whole self.

You needed him…you need him.

Not them.

You.

Pulling at your weak link you read his grace again.

He loved them.

Castiel, broken, fallen angel of the Lord, needed humanity as much as they needed him.

You didn’t like it.

You didn’t liked it one bit.

“…I’ll help you “ you said, and his whole grace danced with delight and gratitude “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into, Castiel……like old times huh?” you smirked at him.

He smirked back, eyes looking into the past “Like old times ”  



	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the boys hit the 4th dead end, Castiel knew they were on the road to give up, maybe it was time to ask heaven for help, there must be some of his brothers or sisters who didn’t wanted him dead.
> 
> Apparently, nudity is a problem

2.

“Where are they going? We need to come up with a plan! ”

“Hey sweetheart, humans need their sleep”

You looked down at your chest, mouthing the world ‘sweetheart?’ confused at Castiel who just smiled timidly at you or….was that , you tilted your head…pity..?

“It’s just a figure of speech…it’s…it’s a human thing”

You tensed and a hot sensation crept up your neck.

“Aww she’s blushing, Cass look at that you made her blush.” the rude one chanted.

You touched your hot cheek worried.

“Is this vessel ill ?” You asked worried earning chuckles from the humans.

“Cass , buddy we’ll leave you to deal with that, just go on and…I don’t know, stare creepily at each other and not at me for once”

Your angel blade started to slip down in your hand, Castiel blocked it when it was still under the trench coat’s.

“I’ll wake you up in 6 hours time, is that alright?” he asked after them.

The brothers were already walking away and responded by raising the bigger digit of their hands.

You kept staring at their backs until Castiel’s touch tightened , you retreated the blade and turned slowly to look at him.

“Why do you let them talk to you like that?”

“They are my friends Y/N , not my soldiers”

You frowned while processing the information and nodded.

“Still….the short one is pretty rude”

He just smiled fondly.

“you really do like them, Castiel” , it wasn’t a question and he gave you a look that spoke for him. You blinked, marveled at how expressive his vessel was and how much it reflected Castiel’s true essence. Weirdly you couldn’t stand that gaze and sat stiffly on a chair.

“What are you doing?”

“ waiting for the humans to finish their sleep cycle” 

He sat across you, slouching on the chair, elbows on the armrests, hands in his lap, and head hanged low , he looked tired, angels are not supposed to look tired. As if he could read your mind, he raised his eyes.

“How are you Y/N?”

“Weirdly”

“You’ll get used to it soon”

“There are so many smells , how can you cope?” You sniffed the lapel of his coat still around you “this has your vessel’s smell …and yet I sense some of your grace in it too, this is really destabilizing”, and nostalgic, you added without speaking while inhaling deeply.

“How…How’s heaven?”

Shifting your attention back at him, you noticed his hand covering his lower face and, somewhere between his fingers, a slight red tint covered his dark skin.

“Unorganized, still rebuilding, mostly empty” you said,his battered grace twitched “…but still beautiful “ he nodded, smiling sadly, you squinted and tried to imitate the movement, pulling at your vessel’s lips.

“What are -“

“I’m trying to smile, humans’ mouths move so much, and you seem to do that.”

He blinked and snorted and you tried that too.

“It’s nice to see you again Y/N, I missed our time together”

“Yeah, me too Castiel”

You both fell silent, you didn’t mind but he seemed uncomfortable by the way he was squirming in his seat.

“Y/N…”

“yes?”

“….why did you severed our bond?”, now you were the one that seemed to find the chair rather uncomfortable “ I suddenly didn’t felt you anymore and I thought …” he continued.

You got up quickly, slamming your hands on the table, chair falling down, together with the coat that slipped from your shoulders.

“Do you have any idea how many times I felt it rip it off my grace?” the lights in the library flicked and some exploded “I got tired of feeling you die ! ”.

“….I’m-”

“Cass what the hell!?”

The hunters came running , guns and blades ready.

“Dean…it’s ok, it’s just difficult for an angel to keep their power in check”.

The tall one looked at you and for whatever reason you turned around, hiding your face from him.

“WHOA” “OH…”

Both the brothers exclaimed, you faced them again, they both had their head turned away from you.

“Cass…maybe…maybe you should find something for her to wear….”

“But I can’t feel cold”

“yeah but you can’t roam around with your ass to the wind, even if it’s a fine one “ Dean said smiling Lewdly;

“..Dean…” Cass said in a rumble and dangerous voice, that sent chills down your spine, straight to-

“ Sorry yeah right” .

After finding some old T-shirt and Dean’s sweatpants, everyone looked much more comfortable and went back to their sleep cycle.

“I’m sorry I should have given you something to wear”

“It’s ok I don’t mind”

You looked at each other in silence, then you felt the pants, slowly slipping down so you tugged them up, pulling the strings.

“We should get you more size appropriate clothes” he searched for the car keys in the pocket of trench coat, draped on the chair. “Let’s go, we have some hours to spend waiting anyway”

it almost felt like flying, watching the road passing fast under your eyes, with the wind hitting your face. Now that you were more acquaintance with your vessel you started to pay more attention to your surroundings. The air smelled different than the afternoon’s one, more….wild, and you were fascinated by the light of the lampposts that shone flickering on the car’s shiny light paint.

“Why does the air smell differently now?” you asked 

“It’s the sun, during the day, it heats the air and it causes it to get mixed up with other things because it moves. In the colder night, the air is stiller and thus cleaner. Also we are angels Y/N.”

You looked at him fascinated . “I…I watched a lot of television …”

Castiel occasionally looked at you during the drive and you knew it ,but you kept your eyes out the window, you didn’t know why but you felt resentment towards him.

Some time later you were walking through endless aisles full of products and stuffs in general, curios but intimidated you grabbed the dangling belt of his trench coat, to anchor yourself to him. He guided you, walking sure and at ease between the intoxicated or tired humans roaming the place, until he stopped in the clothes section, stood in the middle and turning around, watching you with critical eyes.

Feeling weirdly, you squirmed and pulled at the hem of your shirt as he ranked you over.

“W-What is it?” you asked

He lifted your arms to the side, his hands sliding down to your waist and hips. The same sensation you felt, when you heard his low voice before, shook you again and you stopped breathing …which you didn’t need anyway. Sensing you stiffened he looked up at you.

“sorry if this is uncomfortable but I need your measurements…for…for the clothes “

“ah ..yes, sure go ahead”

After giving you a list for the things you needed, he told you to search alone for something that you liked.

“I don’t know, you tell me”

“…” he stopped to throw you a strange look, sighing he put his hands on both your shoulders and bent down so you were eyes to eyes “ you can choose for yourself Y/N. Just look around and find something you like”

“I don’t understand ..but I’ll try” you made to turn around but he grabbed your arm, flustered.

“…hmm…a-also ask to that lady over there for…you know….undergarments…..she’ll be able to help you with….measurements”

“Can’t you do that?” you reached for his hands , raising them your chest

He looked positively in panic as he snatched them back “…just ask that woman , I-I need to get some pie” and he vanished.

Once you were done with everything, you found him waiting, pie included. Looking at your pile of new clothes he smiled knowingly, the smile died at the cash desk, when he saw what kind of undergarments the lady gave you.

“Is there something wrong?” you asked worried “ I told the lady that you sent me to her to ask for whatever I wanted”

“….” His finger picked up a skimpy black lace bra.

“she told me you’d like that”

“…” he eyed the thong in the same fabric.

“ I told her those were a bit indecent but she told me that was the whole point , and then I think she had a little stroke or something because one of her eyes kept blinking. Don’t worry I healed her”

The cashier was looking at you strangely, and raised both eyebrows as he picked up a little bottle of lube.

Castiel looked at it wide eyes, “ ah yes she told me it was on sale and that I probably wanted that after she stared at your vessel lewdly”

He silently handed the pie to be bagged ,“ somebody’s gonna have a good time tonight” the cashier winked at Castiel, who just handed some crumbled bills and reached the exit in record time, you following behind stumbling . What the hell were shoes anyway ??

“Aren’t we going to the bunker ?” you asked not recognizing the street back.

“I remember my first hours in a vessel, you need to stretch your wings”

“oh… they do feel a bit constricted “ you said arching your back.

He stopped in the middle of nowhere and led you to a little lake, reflecting the stars. He smiled as you took your time to admire that.

“this planet sure came a long way since the last time I descended here”

“The fish?” he chuckled.

“….the fish” you smiled without knowing, Castiel’s eyes caught it “ this….is really pretty” you looked around and up to the moon. “ you know Castiel…I used to observe earth and father’s creations from there”

“You never came back here?”

“…no, the last time I was up there was when I first ….sensed your grace weak” you met his eyes “I didn’t know what happened, if you needed help or if you were injured or” . Your voce was a whisper “….but you were just fine” you finished with a sour tone as you stepped forward, unfurling your wings as wide as you could.

You heard his sharp intake of breath,ignoring it, you shook them to discipline some messy feathers and gave a tentative flap, lifting the fine dirt around you.

Looking at him above the wing you saw his face, his real face, looking at you with so much wonder and sorrow.

“…come with me?” you asked. He seemed to snap out of his stupor and shook his head slightly .

“I…would not be able to keep up with you”

You turned around and walked to him raising your hand “ I don’t care, it’s been too long since we have flown together “

“Y/N…”

“I’m not asking for a race Castiel……I just want to fly with you” , you walked behind him and planted a hand in the middle of his upper back. You felt the move in his grace before the one from the vessel’s muscles and slowly his own wings became visible.

Again your form ached at the sight , they used to be so grand, full and one of the purest white, and now they were tainted by the soot from hell, a black so deep that adsorbed all the light and gave it back in beauty. Castiel’s wings were still beautiful, even if scarred by his battles.

He kept them close to his vessel, almost like it hurt, you gently pressed both your hands and grace along them, helping him unfurling them. Once they were out and stretched , they were still longer and bigger than yours.

You heard his dry laugh “ are you still brooding over the fact that yours are shorter?”

“I still won most of our races”

“yeah, because you didn’t care if you were going to hit some mountain , or some of our brothers and sisters…”

Giving his centre back another breathe of grace, you flapped your wings and hovered above , moving in front of him.

Without saying anything else you offered your hand again.

Castiel looked at his wings, rolled his shoulders and gave some flaps to test them, he winced but smiled when he took your hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!.  
> Hope you liked it, I sure did writing it. I’m used to a sassy sarcastic reader so having to write an angely one is a new thing for me. Sam and Dean will be more present in the next chapter and also things will heat up a bit because YAS


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching dawn

He wasn’t kidding when he told you he couldn’t keep up with you.

You had to keep dragging him by his hand, as he let the air brush through his broken wings. You were flying , he was gliding. You could feel his essence being stirred and , judging by how his wings were trembling, you could just see how much he missed this.

Feeling something constricting your throat you coughed, but nothing changed apart from the vessel’s eyes beginning to tear up.

Dabbing the cheeks with the back of your hand, you sprinted up, eliciting a startled, choked sound from him as the gentle soar turned into a race, you dragging him further up, above the cloud, where human light couldn’t reach anymore.

Once out a thick cloud you resumed the same pace as before, not caring about the confused look he gave you.

“I prefer this view” you simply said.

“I know you grew to love humanity but they have a habit of ruining landscapes and…” you nervously glanced in his direction, “… I thought you missed this”

Turning around another cumulus of clouds the starry sky opened up in front of you, thick with darkness and stars. You could see the orange tinge of the dawn starting to seep through the horizon.

“We often watched the dawn together” he said coming to stand beside you, his hand on your shoulder, both for support and ….familiarity?.

You peeked at him, the wind that was moving the cloud around you, was making his vessel’s longer strands of hair dance, the long coat he was wearing flapping around the body, his other clothes clinging to the flesh.

His face was content, eyes squinting against the light and wind, and a soft smile on his lips. 

As the sun began to rise, the sky filled with orange hues, reflecting on his face and the pure white clouds all around you.

Sensing your stare he turned his head to you, the lapel of his coat being flipped around against his cheek.

“I always thought your wings were the same colour of dawn”

“Orange?” you asked glancing back at your feathers as they stirred under his praise.

“ Peach…” he said looking at them. He stretched out his hand and your vessel seemed to stop its breathing function “…like the reflection of the rising sun on the purest white of the clouds”.

He touched them, gently raking his fingers through the sturdiest flight feathers , reaching the fluffy, semiplumes beneath. Your vessel shivered. He seemed transfixed as his attention was on your wings.

“Such a pretty colour, so faint but always so warm against the cold white” he spoke like you were telling secrets to each other, like you weren’t the only ones floating in the sky.

Reaching out you gently stretched his right not fully relaxed wing out but sensing his discomfort you froze.

“Do they hurt?”

“…they used to, at the beginning, but not anymore. I rarely use them now, I guess they are just out of shape” he smiled timidly at you “ and there is not much to see, not anymore”.

“I always envied your wings, Castiel “ you resumed your touch, disentangling the stubborn ones and smoothing others out of place. “So pure and blinding. Only the Archangels had purer ones” . He watched your hand caressing his now black sparse feathers and covered it with his, stopping you.

“I wear this colour like a badge of honor. What you describe was me before, when I was just another puppet, a hammer” he smiled fondly.

“…Freedom is a length of rope, and God wants you to hang yourself with it…” you quoted him and he looked at you, eyes wide.

“Oh, I heard that Castiel… I kept my distance, I always avoided the orders to kill you. They could never find me. I hid. I lived in solitude most of the time. They all knew how close we were. Did you think they wouldn’t come after me?” you asked staring back at him. “ The safest place for me to stay, most of the times, was beside you, without you knowing it. Without anyone knowing it”

You turned to look at the rising sun again.

“When things calmed down I would come back to my brothers and sisters, only to fly away again when you came back….and we all know how that went”

You felt his hand falter, his grip loosening on your shoulder. You gripped his hand, stopping him.

“I forgave you Castiel” you said turning to him again, your other hand cupping his cheek as your grace caressed his. “You should forgive yourself, too. Your heart was always in the right place, and too much of it has always been your problem”.

“I killed so many Y/N, even with the fall I -” he whispered broken and shaky.

“…you did”

He lowered his eyes, his lips tight “…but you were also chosen by Father, and he brought you back, you were brought back so many times. Isn’t that a hint of how important you are in the grand scheme of things?”

“Father left us again, and look what’s become of heaven”

Gripping his shoulders, you moved him in front of you, the flaming rays of the sun outlining his figure like he was the source of them.

“Have you ever consider that our brothers and sisters are just very bad at management ?”

What you now saw, you were certain, was a smile tugging at his lips. The image fitting his true form really well and for a moment you saw your old friend as you always remembered him. Then his wings stretched out, the sun cutting through the sparse feathers , like they were bleeding light.

Another unfamiliar feeling tugged at the vessel’s chest.

“We…should get back. The six hours are almost over” you heard him say.

“Well, well, well, look who the cat finally dragged in” .

Coming down the stairs of the bunker you saw the two hunters casually sitting, one of them in a sloppy way, with his legs on the table where there was food and what seemed the hot brown water humans loved so much.

“My apologies, Dean. We were-”

“-reminiscing?” he smirked bringing the mug to his lips. “..maybe some cloud seeding?” he said before taking a sip.

“I flew him past the clouds but I don’t see how seeding would be involved”

The other hunter looked at Castiel with raised eyebrows, while his brother choked on his drink. Castiel seemed embarrassed by their stares before holding up the plastic bags from the store .

“I have brought Y/N to get something else to wear”

“Aaw, shopping date, that’s ..that’s very cute buddy” he stretched on the chair, leaning toward him “did you bring me pie?”

Castiel’s eyes made a strange movement, a totally unnecessary rotation while he dropped the other bag in Dean’s lap.

While the hunter happily dived into the bag, Castiel handed you the ones with the new clothes you had to choose earlier.

“You should change, we can talk about the case once you’re done”

As he walked back to the table you started to undress, slowly, still not used to having all these appendice that went in holes and fabric .

“Ehm…Cass!…” the tall brother called, covering his eyes.

“Oh come on Sammy, don’t ruin this” the other whined, chuckling with his mouth full, staring at you .

Castiel spooned around and quickly threw his coat over the exposed chest.

“How about I show you to a room Y/N?”

Looking in the mirror you studied your vessel, from the length of the hair, which you recalled annoyed you during the flight, to the groomed toenails clipped clean by nurses. Slipping into the clothes, you grimaced. The vessel per se wasn’t enough, you had to cover the cover with something else too, and all these buttons and strings were confusing. After the last attempt to do all the buttons of the shirt you gave up. Who cared anyway?!

Slipping the long gray coat on you walked to the closed door, behind which Castiel was waiting.

“Are you finish-” he stopped, looking at your open shirt, gulped down and raised his hands, skillfully doing the buttons one by one “Yes…these can be a little tricky in the beginning. There, you alright?”

“Could you help me with this?” you asked lifting a lock of your hair “ I want it gone” you said tugging at it.

“I’m not sure the human will be happy about it, it is her body anyway” he looked pensive for a second, “Give me a minute” he said and he walked away .

“….how can I give you that?” you called after him.

Several seconds later he came back and turned you around. You felt his fingers grazing on the skin leaving behind a cold sensation, and felt the hair being lifted from the shoulders.

After some pulling and tugging, the hair was finally away from the eyes, the vision cleared.

“How did you do that?” you asked turning around quickly, the rest of the hair slapping your vessel’s face. You spat out as some strands ended up in the mouth.

“I can access memory of what has been my vessel if I want, he…used to do this to his daughter, Claire”.

“Why would you want that?”

“Because…these humans gifted us with a means to walk the earth, and it’s fair to know who they were”.

Dean’s booming voice resounded in the bunker corridors.

“Hey Doves, you done cooing at each other? We’ve got a case to solve”

Once in the main room again you noticed that there where now books and papers covering the table.

“Oh wow you feathers sure like your grays and long coats I see” Dean said looking up from a book, the tall brother, Sam, pacing around with a heavy book in his hands. As you walked past him he threw you a glance only to do a quick double take with a confused look.

“Cass…is that my …?”

“Y/N needed it”

“…yes….but..”

“What are you talking about?” Dean asked .

“N-nothing. So get this…”


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the boys hit the 4th dead end, Castiel knew they were on the road to give up, maybe it was time to ask heaven for help, there must be some of his brothers or sisters who didn’t wanted him dead.

“CAAASS!”

It should have been easy.

“Hey buddy, you are good, you are good…SAAAM!! GET THE CAR GOING!!”

This is not how it was supposed to go.

“Y/N!!” Sam waved his bloody hands in front of you “Snap out of it and help Dean while I bring the car around!!”

They looked panicked and frantic, your vessel refusing to move.

“Hey, gimme a hand here!!”

Your attention was brought back down where the green eyed Winchester was cradling Castiel in his arms. He had a smudge of blood on his cheek and drops of sweat rolled down the sides of his face.You crunched down and watched as he removed the coat and jacket and started to open the shirt.

“What are you doing?”  
“Sweety, this ain’t my blood” as he said that, the now red wet fabric revealed a large tear still oozing fresh blood. “Damn it!! Hey Cass? Cass?”  
“It-it’s nothing…” he grunted and your eyes shifted to his. Of course it’s nothing, he’s an angel.

  
“Can you heal it yourself?” the worry in Dean’s voice was unnecessary.

You watched as Castiel’s hand trembled while moving above the wound and a weak light oozed from it.

Nothing changed.

Car tires screeched near you, sounding distant as the blood pressure rushed to your vessel’s ears.

“Can he heal himself?” The giant came to his brother’s aid, lifting your friend to his feet and help him in the backseat of the car.

“A-apparently not” he answered in pain, settling against the backseat, you following after.

“I…don’t understand”

“Angel mojo’s dry I guess”,Dean didn’t waste time starting the car and driving fast down the road.

He threw a worried glance in the rearview mirror “Don’t stain the upholstery, alright? You know how difficult angel blood is to clean” he jocked, his smile tight.

Cass’s pained chuckle came out like a cough “ I-I’ll try my best” he said and then groaned when the car swayed.

You really didn’t like the sound he was making.

“Feathers, think you can help maybe?” there was no kindness nor question in his voice.

“…s-sure” , startled by your stutter you raise a hand, hovering the wound. Bright light illuminated the inside of the car as it sped down the road, the bunker wasn’t that far.

The vessel’s brows furrowed when the wound didn’t heal.

“Well??” Sam’s impatient voice felt muffled and distant under the loud rushing of blood, ringing in your ears. Your vessel was going into panic, you were panicking. Concentrating you tried again.

Nothing.

“I….I can’t do it. How is that possible? How?” you frantically cupped Castiel’s face in your hands, his eyes were glazed and unfocused. “No no no no” , you fumbled with the shirt , opening it completely and you pressed your bright hand on his chest, over his heart.

“What? What is it?” Dean looked frantically behind to you, eyes widening as he saw the tears rolling down your cheeks.

“This is a powerful spell, binding the angel to the body. But the latter it’s damaged, the heart stopped, I’m currently the one making it beat. As long as I continue to do it, he’ll live, if I stop…”

Dean didn’t let you finish, the car picked up speed.

  
“Any ideas?” The brothers asked you.

Annoying.

That’s what they were.

Annoying apes.

Here you were, making your friend’s currently only muscle that kept him alive move, and it was draining your energy faster than you thought, and the only thing they could do was pestering you with questions.

Struggling to keep a steady pace you looked at them furiously and they tensed , taking a step back as their hands reached behind, probably gripping the angel’s blade.

You probably couldn’t control the grace because some lights blew out, and you winched, wobbling and steadying yourself on the table where Castiel was lying unconscious.

The tall one noticed that something wasn’t right and he slowly approached you, his brother calling him worried.

“Y/N?….what’s happening, tell us how we can help”  
You looked at him, struggling to focus on his face , “It’s draining my grace, slowly, but I can’t keep this up forever. I suspect this is the result of a powerful curse combined with some celestial spell. I have no idea how a witch could do something like this, but I know the spell”.

The knees gave up and Sam caught you, Dean sliding a chair for you to sit.

“I might be …..able to do something, but..I won’t be very happy with it, especially the girl in the vessel”  
“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“…I promised heaven to her….and it seems it’s coming earlier than I expected”

“Wait..wait…what do you have in mind?”  
You looked at them annoyed, these humans sure love explanations.

“I can’t cure him because it’s not his vessel that it’s cursed, but its grace bound to it. If I transfer the curse on me, I have a little window of time between angel and human form where I can cure him before it’s too late.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah, I’ll be human…” you shuddered at the thought, “…but my vessel is physically healthy, so I’ll just have to wait until I can find a way to break the curse”

“What about her?” Sam said, pointing at your head .

“We can’t exist in the same mind while I’m human. She has to grant me permission to send her to heaven sooner…like right now”.

“But you can’t…” Dean started.

“Not your call anyway. Now shut up while I ask the soul”.

Convincing her hadn’t been difficult, with assurance that in no way her body after leaving it would be able to wake up and walk, she decided that the personal heaven deal was far more enjoyable that being trapped in your own body again.

You opened your eyes.

“She left” you said and solemnly looking up you whispered a low,thank you, sending a prayer to your brothers and sisters to take care of her.

“Now”, you ripped the shirt,buttons dropping on the floor, exposing your chest,and angel blade pointing at the brothers, “Who has the steadiest hand to carve suppressing sigils?”.

  
“You are sure about this?” Dean asked cleaning the blade, while Sam finished mixing the ingredients, setting the bowl in the middle of the sigil drawn on the floor in front of you.

Your vessel was feeling the strain of your grace keeping Castiel’s vessel alive.

“You mean if I’m sure I’ll save your friend or if I’m sure I know how to do it?”

He just stared at you. You sighed and again “I know Castiel since the dawn of life on this planet. Of course I’ll help him …” you looked down at him, breathing regularly but too quickly, “ I’ll do anything”.

The brothers exchanged a brief look you didn’t see.

“You done?” you asked Sam, while barely standing up. He nodded and took a few steps back, taking Dean with him.

Turning to watch Castiel you placed the free hand on his injury and murmured in enochian the incantation to transfer the curse onto you.

As you sensed the curse passing between you, you closed your eyes and healed everything you could before the transfer was complete.

  
Castiel’s eyes opened almost immediately as the wound closed and had time to watch you doubling over, a hand pressing your chest.

“Y/N , what did you do?” his voice was both angry and concerned. You tried to focus on his form but you couldn’t see anything, just the vessel. Gone was the shadow of his wings, his pure grace shining around him. You looked at his eyes. They seemed normal but still beautiful. You lifted a bloody hand to his cheek, leaving smudges of blood as you caressed it.

“What I wanted ” was the last thing you said before the searing pain you felt made you cried out and faint.

“How could you let her do this?”

Cass’s angry voice startled the hunters. Dean was the first to come forward “You were dying man, what were we supposed to do?”

“Let me, I don’t care”

“She wasn’t of the same idea, and neither were we.You try to convince her to do otherwise, next time” Sam tried to explain.

“Right…Cass she wasn’t going to back down. I thought she would have smited us if we tried to stop her” Dean added.

They watched as Cass lifted her in his arms and opened her now blood soaked shirt,trying to heal the carvings, but as they all expected , it didn’t work.

“She said that it would make her human”

“Yes…she’s human, for now” Cass looked fondly at her, moving out of the way a strand of hair that escaped Sam’s elastic band as the brothers exchanging another look.

  
“We need to find a way to erase this curse” he said looking at them, the boys silently nodding at the commanding tone, “I’ll need the first aid kit”. 

“Cass don’t worry I can-” Sam started.

“No!” , the angel said , squeezing her to his chest, “She did this for me, let me at least do that for her”, and he turned around, walking to one of the available rooms, leaving the two Winchesters baffled.

Dean elbowed Sam, both still watching where Cass had disappeared “ ….Dude, do we go all much ado about nothing on those two?”

Sam scoffed and looked down at his brother surprised.

“What..? I told you, I read! Here…” he said pushing the first aid kit in his brother’s chest, “Go give this to Benedict before he challenges you to a duel”.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the boys hit the 4th dead end, Castiel knew they were on the road to give up, maybe it was time to ask heaven for help, there must be some of his brother or sister who didn’t wanted him dead.

  
5.  
First thing I felt was pain.

Pain?

Eyes opened, vision was blurry and dark. Why was this dark? Have I been sleeping?

Slowly I felt a tingling sensation running along my arms and legs as I came to consciousness, the burning pain on my chest was still stubbornly present.

I tried to cure myself, but nothing happened, the hand felt not the skin but a coarse fabric wrapped tight around the chest, confused I looked down at the dark red stain that covered it.

Startled I tried to sit up only to have my breath taken away by the stinging pain of stretching skin

I must have made a sound because the door busted open and the vessel of my friend hastily made its way to me.

“I’d avoid moving for now Y/N” a gentle hand pushed me down,” but I’m glad you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Castiel?” I watched him confused. I couldn’t see any indication of what he really was “Is…Is that you?” I asked confused, seeing only his container staring back at me.

He must have read something because he sighed and sat down on the bed. I felt the mattress sinking down under his weight, mine slightly rolling toward him as the covers I was tangled in, tightened around me.

“Don’t you remember?”

I try to concentrate, trying to recall the last few hours. I remembered light, so much light coming towards me, no wait… flowing out of me to his abdomen… Ignoring the new painful feeling, I sat up again and grabbed his coat, opening it and tugging at his jacket and shirt. He stopped me with both hands, bringing them down in my lap.

“I’m fine, Y/N.” I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding. “I suppose I should be thanking you.” he paused and, squeezing his hands over mine, he bent his head, looking at me in the eyes. “That was very stupid and reckless.” he paused, lips trembling with an angry snarl. “Why?”

  
I suddenly felt like the blood running through the body flew to the face, if nothing else gave me indication of his nature, his eyes shone with wrath. I flinched back.

“Am I…”

“Human? …yes as of now you are”

He released my hands and I raised them in front of me as if I’ve seen them for the first time. I tested their flexibility, stretching the fingers as far as possible, and their strength squeezing them in fists.

I was not pleased with how they felt and I definitely was not further pleased by the pain flaring up as I pressed my chest.

“…This is vexing”

“Well…” he said moving my hand away, “that’s what being human feels like most of the time”

“What’s the recovery time of this body?” I grabbed his arm as he helped me out of bed.

“Although being extended, the cuts aren’t that deep. Sam assured me that in a week, or so, you’ll be fine.”

I shake my head when he motioned me to sit down. I actually don’t want to move, every step I take or when I even breathe, it hurts. Turning my head around I catch my reflection and all I can see is the girl I possessed, no shadow of wings, no traces of grace, there is nothing angelic about the body looking back at me. Like the light has been turned off. I can’t look at that.

Sharply, I lower my gaze away from those human eyes, focusing on my injuries; the dressing is smeared with old blood and it doesn’t look like there is a new clean one around. It goes all around the back, stopping right under the breasts. I’m not wearing anything else apart from the same pants I had before.

“W-who did the dressing?” Feeling …distressed and…exposed, I covered my chest with arms as I winced at the sting before turning to look at Castiel.

Walking quickly past me, he avoids my gaze as he picks up the t-shirt they gave me when I first got here; fidgeting with it, still not meeting my eyes.

“I…I did” he said scratching his head and stretching his shoulder.

I inexplicably feel relieved and horrified at the same time, and still that damn hot sensation spreads out from my neck to the cheeks.

“Oh…ehm…you, you did a fine job. Thanks”

His eyes caught mine and a sheepish smile light them up, “you…aah, you are welcome, Y/N”, lifting the t-shirt he waved it at me, “you probably want to cover up a bit”

“…strangely I do”.

The arms went in smoothly, but when I had to get the shirt pass the head, things got complicated and painful, I tried to bend forward but nothing really helped, and I think some of the cuts reopened.

“You need help? “He asked concerned.

“No…” his question made me feel all sorts of stupid, but that shirt just wouldn’t cooperate, “ …Yes”, I said pathetically, letting the shirt fall off the arms and into his outstretched hands, that draped it on his forearm.

I slowly raised my arms, his hands guiding, I could feel his fingertips across the skin, my skin, as they skimmed up, leaving a hot buzzing trail.

My vision was obstructed by the t-shirt fabric as it slid down, finding some resistance with the head part. My hair was still tied up, he reached behind and gave the fabric a sharp tug, freeing, allowing the shirt to pass down my vision.

Blue eyes was all I could see, hot breath was all lips felt, storm and light was all I smelled.

As a human now, I sensed as a human would.

There were reasons why angels rarely came to earth, the sixth human sense being one of them. Even not knowing or not understanding what we were, the humans could feel, perceive that we were different in some way. Angels were creatures of war, pure energy and created to carry on God’s and only God’s will. Humans are not designed to contain us entirely.

We can recognize one another when occupying vessels because our true essence seeps through, winning over the human soul.

Oh, what they must feel standing close to an occupied vessel, our grace and all that unrestrained energy. Most of them feel uncomfortable or an imminent sense of danger while others are attracted to it. And those are the dangerous ones and we must keep our distance.

Imagine sensing this powerful energy, this…pull, dragging you to a specific person, you know, you feel it’s dangerous, you know you should be afraid, but you aren’t and you chase it for the thrill it gives you, because all that your mind tells you is to run, but your body and soul are sucked into this powerful black hole of holy light and it’s never enough.

Even with the knowledge of who I was and who he was, this body…my body reacted as expected. Chasing that energy I leaned into him as he started to step back.

  
“Y/N…what” he babbled as I closed my eyes and touched his chin with my forehead, my skin danced at the scratch of his light stubble, face nuzzling across his cheeks, reaching under his ear. My hands gripped the lapels of his coat, bringing him closer, eliciting a sharp intake of air from him. I could sense his arm hovering around my shoulders uncertain of what to do. He reached a decision when I felt him relaxing but before he could touch me the door opened again.

“Hey Cass, how is she doin-” the voice of the younger brother came to a sharp halt, “uhm….should I..should I come back later?”

There was a laugh hidden in there somewhere, but I didn’t care. 

“Sam…” Castiel tensed under my touch and squeezing my shoulders, he gently pushed me back, “she’s—she is fine now, I was just getting her to move around a bit”,

“Yeah…buddy, maybe it’s too soon for that kinda excitement,” another voice said,

I opened my eyes annoyed and looked over at the older Winchester’s face poking out behind his brother, 

“Oooh yikes, she’s not happy you cockblocked her, Sammy” he said with a smirk.

“Uhm, right, sorry about that” Sam said amused.

Later I managed to sit down on a chair; the mess I remembered in the library was nowhere to be seen, like it never happened. A steaming plate of some kind of rounded fluffy flatbread was placed in front of me.

“What’s this?” I asked confused.

“Food” said the older Winchester with his mouth already full.

“I don’t need it” I responded mechanically bending over the plate to inspect the ‘food’ these humans liked so much. The sweet, bready, hot smell hit my nose and …what the, what was that? I asked myself looking down, after a strange noise and vibration came from my body.

“I guess you are hungry now, here pour this over” Sam slid a bottle of a thick, ambery liquid across the table.

Castiel, sitting across from me, watched as I analysed how much to pour over, from the brother’s plates and chose a middle solution. Something between just a touch and drowning the food in sticky stuff.

I’ve tasted food before. It was disgusting, so I don’t really look forward to this.

Looking at Sam and how he was eating it, I picked up knife and fork , slicing through the fluffy pile of stuff. Raising the chunk of food, dribbling in what they told me was maple syrup, and questioning how the humans could eat tree juice, to my nose I first sniffed it. Nothing too crazy, honestly. Then my mouth closed and as soon as it touched my tongue, an explosion of tastes and textures assaulted me. The chewy softness of the bread and the rich sweet stickiness of the syrup made me forget myself and the others in the room. Is this how Adam and Eve felt, as they tasted the forbidden fruit? Does all the human food taste like this? I guess diseases, fatigue, pain and mortality seemed a bargain in exchange for the gift of the 5 senses.

“So…how are you?” someone asked for the third time after clearing their voice as I tried to process what was happening in my mouth.

I looked up, feeling annoyed.

“…human”

“Oh…uhm, and how does that feel?” Sam, right, Sam was the one who asked.

“ Weak” I snarled back before stuffing my face with that delicious stickiness and I soon realized I was having problem getting it all down. 

“Someone’s cranky“Dean chanted, placing in front of me a fuming mug. I looked down on it, still chewing. The smell was strong and strangely soothing, this was the drink most humans found addicting but I always thought it looked like dirty, mud water.

Throat started to feel tight so I just grabbed the thing and took a big sip, regretting it immediately. It felt like the scorching flames of Sodom and Gomorrah just found their way down my mouth, burning everything in their way to the stomach and my eyes started watering.

Castiel just glared at a laughing Dean while sliding a bottle of water to me.

  
“Can…can” I tried to speak, my voice coming out hoarse and strained, “…can we just find a way to-” I took another sip of water, “…break this damn curse so–”

“Yeah yeah we were already working on it” Dean managed to say, recovering from his laugh.

“–so I can smite you all” I finished.


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the boys hit the 4th dead end, Castiel knew they were on the road to give up, maybe it was time to ask heaven for help, there must be some of his brothers or sisters who didn’t wanted him dead.
> 
> Human emotions are complicated and confusing.

  
“Y/N …” Castiel repeated exasperated.

“What?” I responded, not paying attention.

“Is it necessary to bring the book in here?” He opened his arms gesturing around the room.

“You were the one who insisted on doing this. I couldn’t care less” I answered and my voice reached my ears, sounding indifferent, even a little annoyed. I turn my eyes to the pages again, scanning the ancient runes and I frown.

“There’s an error here, look!” I point at the wrong translation turning to him again. “What are you doing?” I asked and the frown stayed on my face as I gazed at the trench coat that was being draped over the shower stall wall divider.

“I’ll have you know, wet clothes are really uncomfortable” he said, shrugging off the suit jacket, throwing it over the coat.

“Oh..” I murmured,looking down at me

“ -not you, we just need to be careful not to get those bandages wet.” He let the water flow, testing the temperature,

  
“Sit.” He ordered, pointing at the chair in front of the sink while undoing his tie. I followed his movements and my throat felt tight,my lips were suddenly dry. I licked them, taking a few steps toward him.

He seemed pretty oblivious to my strange reactions. It’d been a couple of days since my thread to heaven was cut. I couldn’t reach my brothers and sisters.

And then…I had all these….things happening that I couldn’t explain.

Once, yesterday morning, I bumped into the youngest Winchester, being all out of breath, sweaty and dressed in work-out clothes… all tight and wet. He smiled at me before going to the kitchen. I followed him with my gaze, my eyes darting up and down his back ,feeling hot.

Then the short one started talking to me and I ,for the love of my father, couldn’t concentrate on whatever he was saying , my focus on his plump lips. I wanted to bite them. Normally, only a couple of days ago, I should have felt nothing at all of that.

But the worst was with Castiel.

Just being in the same room started to be difficult, this damn body needed to learn to regulate its temperature.

My gaze fixed to his hands -very nice hands, big and strong- and those long fingers curled around the shirt fabric as they rolled it up his forearm. I would very much like to feel them on me.

What?!

I shook my head and sat down, back to the sink, the book in my lap.

“Bend your head back” he said while gently gathering my hair that fell heavily on my shoulders. I felt the cold porcelain edge against my nape and then the lukewarm water on my scalp.

A content hum escaped my lips. 

“This feels nice” I added as I raised the book high so I could read it without moving my head.

Everything was normal -nice but normal- the weight of my soaked hair pulled me backwards, the sink digging into my nape a bit uncomfortable and I was almost done with that passage when I felt his fingers pressing against my scalp.

My eyes fluttered closed and I chased them with my head as they moved.

They rub and stroke and scratch and massage and-what is he doing n-

“Mmm” I relaxed and pushed further into his touch as his fingers cupped almost my whole head and I felt them move on my temples, reaching under my ears and the back of my neck.

I let myself wallow in the sensation, my fingers slowly losing grip of the book and I laid it down, letting it rest on my lap, cover up.

After an indefinite period of time -I couldn’t tell how long- I felt him wring my hair with his hands.

“Tip your head down”

Still in the dazed state of mind I was, I didn’t even want to question him and just complied. he wrapped a fluffy towel around my head and rubbed vigorously, droplets of water hitting my face as my hair got jolted around.

His warm hands , across the fabric, guided my head up and I gazed at him, crouched down in front of me. I once again got lost in his blue eyes between wet strands of hair. I couldn’t see his grace anymore but I had it burned in my memory.

He smiled warmly, tucking away the humid locks of hair in front of my eyes, I don’t know why but I felt them hot and puffy, my vision becoming considerably blurry.

“Y/n…what is it? Does it hurt?” his face lines now worried while his hand squeezed my shoulders. I felt a tightness in my chest and throat again, but it was different. It was painful and I was afraid to open my mouth because I really didn’t know what was going to come out.

He saw my struggle,his hand kindly cupping my cheek and I leaned on it, closing my eyes, basking in its warmth.

Some tears rolled down and he wiped them away, “Talk to me”.

I bit my lips and opened my eyes. He was closer now and his eyes… there was no pity in them, no sadness nor judgment. They were kind, and forgiving and so very very human.

I leaned my forehead on his shoulder, hiding my face, “I…I miss my wings” I breathed out , “I miss my brothers and sisters, it’s quiet without them…too quiet,” I took in a shaky breath. “How did you bear it?Iit’s….it’s so lonely.”

“Y/N…”

“-and all these damn feelings!” I fisted my hand in his shirt, “I don’t understand them, they’re so messy, confusing and disheartening. What am I supposed to do when I don’t know what I’m feeling? How do I react? What is right? What is wrong?”

“You don’t h-”

“I see how the Winchesters look at me” I raised my voice, my fist hitting him. “Oh, they find it funny, how hard I’m struggling. I can’t understand if what they say to me is a joke or not….I don’t know what I’m doing …what…what…oh…how did you go through this alone?”

His arms draped around me. “It’s okay Y/N , everything is going to be okay”,one hand stroking my head, the towel now laid on the bathroom tiles.

His soothing voice washed over me like a balm but at the same time it annoyed me , -I don’t even know what I’m thinking and feeling-

“HOW?!” I snapped,pushing against his chest. I expected to make him fly across the room but he didn’t even budge. Raising my trembling hands -useless, weak hands- I stared at them scowling. He seemed to read my mind because he grabbed and lowered them, searching my eyes with his -no please, don’t look at me like that, I ..I don’t want you to see me like this- I avoid his gaze but he turns my head to face him.

“There is nothing wrong with you” his eyes were steady and strong. “You are just experiencing human emotions and trust me, they’re a lot and they hit you right when you least expect it. We’ll soon find a way to restore your grace Y/N,I promise you that”

“I hate this…” I whispered, “there is so much I’m feeling, so much longing for something I don’t understand”.

“Well…do it”

“What?” I looked up at him.

“Humanity is all about experiencing new things, discoveries and impulses…” his thumb caressed my wrist, “…you can delve into them, you are out of heaven’s reach, don’t hold back.” He smiled, “What do you wanna do ?”

“…right now?”

“ Yeah, what is your body telling you?”

I looked down at our hands, mine looking so small and frail in his and I squeezed them, he squeezed back and I looked up again.

I felt like my heart might explode as I bent forward and pressed my lips to his.

  
It was a light touch, our lips joined and still, but it was enough to cause wildfire to spread in my chest and it was like I’d been hit with the sheer force of what I felt . It took my breath away and I had to steady myself from falling, laying a hand over Castiel’s shoulder.

That threw him off balance and, falling backwards, he pulled me down with him. One of us made a surprised sound, deep in their throat -fairly sure it was him-

Our teeth clashed together, but I didn’t care, everything I was feeling was worth it, his prickly shadow beard scratched me, his nose squashed against my cheek, my hands on his firm chest,pressing him down, the texture of his shirt under my fingers, his sharp hip bone pressing on the inside of my thighs almost painfully.

  
I felt his hands grip my elbows tight and pushing against them, I whimpered -what’s that pitiful and needy sound?- and pressed myself to him. I wanted this, I craved this, I wanted …him.

He froze and I could feel his hands trembling before relaxing ,shifting to my sides and sliding up on my back, locking me to him. It was then that he relaxed his lips, prompting me to do the same.

Changing angle he captured my lips in a soft kiss, a real kiss, his lips searching, biting, sucking at mine hungrily. My face was on fire, my hands itching to touch more of everything he had to give. He sat up, and his hands gripped my thighs hard as I sat on him. 

His hands traveled up, tangling in my hair and again he changed angle, this time parting my lips with his, his tongue seeking mine.

I gasped, the sensation being so foreign and yet so natural,and it’s like everything I wanted and everything I’d ever need.

I followed his lead, tasting him , feeling him as I’d never done before, all instincts and impulses, like a human. I wonder how it would feel to wrap my grace around his to the point we couldn’t tell where I began and where he ended.

He growled and the sound seemed to come up from Hell itself. My hands found his hair and I desperately held onto them when he slid his hands up my thighs to my hips, pushing me down on him.

I made a strangled sound as something hard pushed against me sending fire through my whole body. I broke the kiss and arched my back, pushing my chest against his.

“…Castiel…” I murmured out of breath. His hands stilled, his whole body stilled. I looked down at him, a question on my face.

“I…shouldn-” he lowered his gaze and disentangled from me, 

  
“I shouldn’t have done that”, passing a hand through his hair he squeezing his eyes. “Please, forgive me”, in a flash he was dressed and out of the room.

I was slumped on the floor, my skin so hot that the tiles seemed like ice. Standing up on wobbling legs I looked at myself in the mirror.

Hair wet and messy, red cheeks and out of breath I looked down at the bandages and some of the cuts had reopened. Placing my hand on the bloody fabric I, for the first time, felt my heart beating faster than it ever had and I never looked more human than now.

Sam and Dean had noticed that something changed in Castiel’s behaviour. He never stayed in a room alone with me, he always found a way to have at least one of them with him and he was the only one making errands for ingredients or books.

He showed me how to change my own bandages and that was it.

“Cass we are low on the pantry, could you..?”

“I’ll be right back” the bunker metal door closed, filling the room with silence and the metallic echo.

“Ok,… “ Dean’s eyes piercing coldly into mine “ -the hell is happening between you two?” he said, waving his finger between me and where Castiel just disappeared.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t go all squinty eyes on me, my patience is running real thin -it’s been days since I left this place-I’m developing cabin fever.” Rubbing a hand on his face as he pushed himself away from the light table,“ and you suck at hiding stuff, so-” he waved his hand again, slapping the other on his knee, “ start talking”.

I looked at Sam -usually the sympathetic one- finding him curious too, his hands resting on his lap, eyes finally unglued from the spell book.

My eyes darted between those two, I guess unloading my confusion could bring some clarity.

“I kissed him”

Dean blinked, surprised, “ I’m sorry-” a stupid grin appearing on his face as he stood up and walked slowly toward me, “what did you just say?” .

I looked at the other brother, “That is the term, right?” and he chuckled,

  
“yeah…that is the term. Y/N …” he relaxed on the chair, his hands resting on the book, “ what do you mean with ‘kiss’ ?”

“Where?”

“..Deean..”

“Yeah…sorry…” the short brother cleared his voice. He found it difficult to keep his grin off his face - I hated it, it was annoying- “How was it?”

“Confusing…” I lowered my eyes recalling the moment “…overwhelming, intimate, warm and a bit wet….” I slowly looked up, “ …nice”.

 

  
Dean’s grin widened,he turned around, arms wide open and Sam dropped his head, raising a bill with his hand before slapping it and sliding it on the table to where his brother was seated before.

My confusion and impatience - and honestly also irritation- grew, “What now?!?”

Both their eyes were on me again, Dean’s hand landed on my shoulder, the other waving in front of me. “Now?….Now we get you laid”

  
“Dean!”


	7. 7

  
7.

“No Dean, I don’t think it’s a ‘great idea’ ”

The older brother rolled his eyes as Sam tried to reason with him.

“What are you talking about? Have you noticed how we are all jumpy and nervous ? Especially Cass and Y/N. I say the kids should have some fun…you know…loosen up a bit, some heaven on earth action.” The suggestion was met with Sam’s stony face, “ I’m talking about sex, Sammy! If you even remember what that is”. Dean pointed at his brother with one of the books.

  
Sam snatched it from his grasp,walking to the end of the table. “You are just bored”

“Hell yeah, I’m friggin’ bored!” he said dropping onto his chair, crossing his legs at the ankles and resisting them on the table.

“And that makes it okay to mess with them?”

Dean huffled, throwing the cap of his beer on the table, “Hey, it’s not like there is nothing…it would just take a bit of encouragement…”,he took a sip, “… a little nudge to sin”.

Sam let himself smile at that. Well, it wasn’t as if his brother was wrong anyway, but-

“ She doesn’t even understand though. I mean, Cass? I think he’s pretty awake now about ….all of that-”

“Mah man” Dean smirked shaking his head.

 

  
“-but her? Dean, I don’t think she understands whatever is that she’s feeling”

“You can always talk to her about it, make it a girl’s night, braid each other’s hair”

“…” Sam decided to desist on the subject. 

For now. They had more pressing problems.

 

My wounds were almost completely healed. They still ached when I moved too hastily or in a odd way, but there was no need for bandages anymore. I sighed happily when I could finally move around without them. No more chafing and I started to like the cool soft feel of the crisp shirt on my skin. Another bonus was the fact that I could shower under the direct water flow, which made me rethink my aversion for it.

My face turned upwards, letting the perfectly warm stream wash the rest of soap and shampoo off. Dean always lamented that I’d use all the hot water, but who cares anyway? This is blissful.

“Y/N are you done?”

Castiel’s voice barely reached my ears and I had to turn the water off, “What?” I asked wrapping myself in a fluffy towel, another result of my new prudish demeanor.

“We may have found something”

I opened the door, the steam quickly dispersing out, invading his frame standing in front of me. He waved a hand in the air to be able to see me.

“Oh…I understand. Let me get dressed” I stared at him for a moment, drinking in his striking blue eyes and awkward smile, and remembering how his face looked the last time we were in this room alone. Fire crawled up my chest, lapping at my cheeks as I walked past him, head low. I could feel his eyes on me as I disappeared into what I now called my room.

I joined the others 10 minutes later, having had to change a second time -wet clothes were indeed really uncomfortable- I draped a towel under my still dripping wet hair.

“Oh she’s not naked this time” Dean’s voice welcomed me as soon as I stepped into the library. “ I would not call that an improvement in other circumstances but-”

“You say you enjoy watching me naked?”

Seeing the smart-ass smile on that face falling into an awkward grimace, definitely brought me joy and it must have been shown on my face because Sam snickered and Dean stuttered a ‘NOW she gets humor’.

“Where is Castiel?”

“He …uh…went to grab some of these ingredients in the gross stuff shelf and we already have the key one”

“So, Y/N get this…uh according to the lore, we think we may have found a counter spell to reverse that curse”

“Oh?” I said, not that enthusiastically, and they frowned at me, and I frowned at myself too. This should have been all I should care about. Being an angel again, getting my grace back, hearing my family’s voices, stretching my wings open and soaring above the clouds again. Instead my heart was gripped by the cold hand of dread. “ what’s, uhm…what’s the last key ingredient then?”

 

“I am” Castiel walked in behind me. I spun around shocked.

“I’m sorry, care to repeat that?”

“The last ingredient. It’s me, angel’s grace” he said without a blink.

“Not a chance” you said standing up and away from the table.

“Y/N …”  
“No Castiel. I did this to save you and now you want to give me your grace!?” I let out a sneer. “You know me better than this, I will not accept that.”

“It’s my choice”  
“Yeah?…it’s my choice, too”

“ What? You are not making any sense”  
“Yeah well, free will’s a bitch” .

Castiel turned to the Winchesters, opening his arms, searching for backup.

“Hey man…like she said, free will’s a bitch” the older one raised his hands, a dash of respect in his eyes as they crossed mine.

“Dean!”  
“Look Cass, it’s partially her call-” Sam interrupted him, then he turned to look at me “Are you sure about that?” he asked.

“….yes”

In a flash, my shoulders were thrown against the bookshelves. I didn’t even see it coming , but all I could see were fiery blue eyes boring into mine, his grip on my arms bruising.

My human self couldn’t help a startled noise.

  
Angel me knows those eyes, it has seen them countless of times, many many…many years ago. Pained and conflicted, fierce and intimidating , those eyes brought regiments and armies to silence and obedience, enemies to their knees, and now they were looking right at me.

For the first time I was at the wrong end of Castiel’s anger, and I felt he sucked the life out of me.

“Cass…hey, take it easy”. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Sam’s hand laying on Castiel shoulder. My friend’s only response was a snarl before releasing me from his grasp and walking out, the metal sound of the door being slammed with force ringing in my ears seconds after being closed.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was keeping, my knees suddenly trembling, my fingers gripping the shelf behind me tightly.

“Are y-”  
“Is there any other way this could work?” I asked without looking up at Sam concerned face.

“…” I could hear the gears turning in his mind, “ well it doesn’t specify whose grace, so I guess any grace would do fine”

“…any?” I pushed myself away from the bookshelf, my fingers numb, “ I guess it’s time to collect some favors then”

The Winchesters knew their way around angel summoning spells. They didn’t need me for the time being and so I’d stood exactly where I was, staring at the bunker’s entrance until a noise startled me.

“I can’t watch that” the older Winchester slammed his hands on the table, standing up.

“Dean…” Sam called, his tone cautious.

“Sam, come on this is ridiculous” he said annoyed with his brother, before walking straight up my nose, “you should go look for him” he said.

“..what? …why?”, he looked angrily at me, “Why would I want to search for him?”

“This is stupid…” he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “… listen, what do you want to do right now?…like , in this very moment?”

I looked at him confused.

“Do you feel you need to be here or ….?” he said rolling his eyes, he was being very rude and very insufferable.

“I ….” I let myself feel. What did I want? My eyes darted from him to the door and back to him again. He raised his eyebrows, encouragingly. Castiel was out there , angry at me for some reason, and I felt like I needed to defend my choice, to…at least explain.

I needed him to know why.

Needed him to understand.

I ….I needed him

Dean’s face softened and he took a step back as I broke into a sprint out the library, stumbling up the stairs and out the door.

“You’re so sappy”

“Shut your mouth, bitch”

“Get me the holy oil, jerk”.

  
The crisp evening air hit my heaving lungs - I decided that running was hell and totally unnecessary- just as the door behind me closed. I hugged my naked arms, rubbing my rapidly cooling skin, my still damp hair not helping the situation. Was it always so cold outside?

My eyes searched around me frantically for that tan coat, the fake power plant looming behind me, my eyes slowly -too slowly- adjusting to the lack of light outside, I walked around, not really sure where he could have gone but knowing that I should look for his car.

Sure enough I found it a few meters ahead, semi hidden by the trees.

He was sitting legs crossed on the hood, his head turned up. I followed his eyes and saw the night sky.

It was underwhelming.

I was used to seeing so much more of it, now with my human eyes I could only see as much.

Nothing compared to what I was used to, nebula with their gases and dust that lit up the sky in colors that humans could never see. Stars and planets so clear, I could name all the galaxies that I couldn’t see now.

“I remember feeling lost looking at the empty sky when I was human”

  
I jumped at his sudden voice breaking the silence, “there is so much that they can’t see”, he then shifted his gaze on me and I forgot how to breathe again, “so much that they don’t know…”, his eyes looked down at me, shivering as the light started to fade quickly under the trees’ shadows.

Sliding down to his feet, he walked toward me while shedding his coat, “…and yet they feel so deeply”, he wrapped it around me and I sighed contently as his warmth and scent enveloped my whole being.

“They feel so much and they make impossible sacrifices without thinking, just because they lo-”, I looked up at him, seeing him clench his jaw, his fingers curling around the lapels of his coat.

“..-and then they fall, they fail and they regret” he said, voice trembling between his teeth.

“ I… don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life” I whispered, his eyes closing tight. He seemed to be fighting something, “you mean so much to me” the last words barely audible. Again I found myself with my shoulders against something, this time the car door and before I could even voice my complaint he shushed me with his lips.

There was nothing gentle about it, it was teeth scraping, lips bruising, hands gripping. We both fought desperately, trying to put what we were feeling into concrete actions. And everything was too much and never enough.

  
He pushed me, the car handle digging painfully into my back but I didn’t care as I let my hands slide up his back, under his jacket, feeling the muscles dancing and coming to life under my fingers.

But it wasn’t enough, I needed more.

Tugging at his shirt, I freed it from his pants, buttons falling to the ground when I didn’t feel like wasting time. He sucked in a breath as my cold hands touched his hot skin, up to his throat where his tie was hanging always a bit loose. He decided to come to my help, and the silky fabric also met the buttons at our feet.

All of this without letting go of my mouth, his chapped lips claiming mine over and over again, until I soon needed air -damn these human lungs- and I tried to back away to breathe -making ridiculous little sounds I must say-.

His grip shifted from the lapels of the coat to my hips as one of his legs sneaked between mine and I almost fainted as a new kind of friction sent jolts of electricity through my whole body.

His grip didn’t falter, it kept me steady, firm and bruising as he let me breathe , his mouth trailing down my jaw to my neck, chest pushing against him, my head stretching back to give him everything he wanted, and a chest deep growl let me know that whatever I was doing, I was doing it right.

When his teeth scraped onto a overly sensitive place behind my ear, a needy sound bubbled up and out of me, he froze for a second before his fingers found their way to the buttons of my blouse, undoing them one by one- and damn slowly- eliciting another mewling sound that made me blush. Once my chest was full exposed , he backed away, looking at me for the first time.

I could see my fast breathing as it condensed with the chilly air that surrounded us. I focused on his eyes and my breath hitched. They were dark, still their beautiful color, still that gentle gaze but dosed with sin. I shuddered , my hips arched instinctively into his and he groaned. Raising a hand, his long fingers barely grazed my skin as they traced the scars on my chest, sliding down between my breasts, smirking as he saw my skin prickling under his touch. As his hand traveled to my stomach he once again closed the space between us, both gasping as our naked skin came in contact. He tilted my head up and stared deep into my eyes as his fingers sneaked under both my pants and underwear, stalling for just enough time to search for any doubts or fear on my face.There were none.

“Y/N…” he growled lowly into my ear making my legs press together , “you know…you know what is happening right? I need you to know”

“Y - yes” my voice sounded not mine, all raspy and needy. I could feel the warmth radiating from his palm against my skin and my hips chasing his touch, “…humans’ mating ritual” I breathed out.

His head fell on my shoulder, “basically…yes,” chuckling he cupped my cheek to look at him as he raised his face. His eyes still full of lust but with an amused glint in them, making them shine.

“Ah….you need my consent, you have it, I didn’t exactly reject you until now so I don’t und-”

His fingers found their way between my legs. My pleased cry was lost in his mouth as he, again, rudely shut me up with a kiss.

He teased me, kissing me languidly, moving slowly, listening to my shameless whimpering sounds. My breathing was fast, my heart was swelling and I felt drunk, lost in sensations so new and foreign to me and so very …very human.

His feet nudged my legs apart and I felt him hesitating. I matched his kiss, pushing my tongue into his mouth and I heard him he sigh contently , humming in pleasure as I bit into his lips. His finger traced a sensitive point and I gasped - we need to go back to it right this instant- I clutched his forearm, as his fingers slid inside me, my nails digging into his skin, my back arching .

I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be feeling, the extreme pleasure and the frustration of feeling close to an invisible edge but never going over. Castiel was everywhere , around me, in me, in front of me, in my ear as his ragged fast breath was caressing my neck, shudders travelling down my spine enhancing all that I was already experiencing, sucking and biting his way down my neck to my collarbone, his other arm around my waist keeping me from falling on my knees.

Suddenly it was like I jumped that edge and then instead of falling I felt like I had my wings again and now I was flying. My whole body tensed and I thought my heart might explode. Castiel looked intently in my eyes as I shattered in front of him, his movements accompanying my descend from my flight. I leaned against him, throbbing, hot, spent and incredibly vulnerable, but there was nowhere else I wanted to be if not in his arms.

I felt the loss of his touch as he wrapped both hands around me, squeezing me to him until I stopped trembling.

“Y/N…” his restrained voice reached the still active part of my brain and I anchored to it. Suddenly, I was very aware of his own desire pressing painfully against my stomach.

I breathed in his scent, wrapping my arms under his shirt, around his shoulders. I kissed him and I let my nails scrape gently down his back, feeling him shuddering against me.

As they came around his waist, my fingers brushed along his belt until they found the buckle and even I was surprised at how fast I was able to undo that. But his hands stopped mine, I let out an unhappy sound.

“There- there’s not need Y/N” he said, but I was an angel -well an ex-angel- not stupid. It was very possible that he was being sincere but you can bet Lucifer’s luscious hair that I wasn’t done with …all of this incredibly interesting activity.

It was my turn now to shut him up with my lips, and I was always a fast learner, and soon Castiel was reduced to a hot, panting ,messy haired, angel of the lord.Taking advantage of his lowered attention, my hand made quick work of both button and zipper. He hissed when I touched him without warning.

Hiss that quickly morphed into a loud moan as I stroked the hot,smooth, twitching skin. He slammed both his hands on the car door behind me, trapping me between his arms as I worked him up mercilessly, his forehead bumping into mine, shifting between humming and biting back a moan. I chuckled admiring proudly at how the great Castiel was like clay between my hands. He looked up at me sharply, one of his eyebrows raised, his mouth badly concealing a dangerous, little smirk that made my own pleased one die. He growled then, grasping my wrist and shoving me aside.

I barely had time to register the door opening before I found myself splayed on the backseat, Castiel tugging at my pants, hastily dragging them down my legs with my underwear too, my tennis shoes getting caught in the process and they came off with them.

He looked at me then, and I at him as he shrugged off the jacket and shirt, his undone black pants low on his hips and a very clear sign that this was as arousing to him as it was to me. I licked my lips as he climbed onto the backseat too, a hand shoving my legs apart, accommodating him between them, hovering over me.

“You are not gonna crash me, you know?” I said circling my arms around his neck, bringing him down, crashing his body over mine. His hand raised my leg, hooking it around his waist, my hips jerked as he traced my folds again, and he groaned against my lips as his fingers slid in easily. The wet sounds mixed with my own cries were making me walk to that edge again and I wanted to fly once more, but this time I wanted him with me.

He knew, he felt it.

In my haze I felt his hand leaving me, heard the rattling of the buckle over my loud quick breathing. He looked at me then, and I swear it was like he had just promised me the universe. Heaven, hell, and everything he could give me. I dragged him down to me and kissed him. I tried to give him everything that I was, that I am and will be, just because I had nothing else to offer than myself.

The moment we were joined, I’ll never forget. We were nothing and everything for a moment and then there was just…us.

I felt his grace wash over me as he kept me close, both trembling and overwhelmed.

Then he started to move and I was sure I would never regain control of my own voice. I felt him move in and out of me , my hips soon finding the rhythm and meeting his, thrust after thrust. His head low on my chest , kissing every scar carved to save him, I arched my back and lost the pace as he gently bit my nipple through the thin lace covering it.

This was the sweetest torture, being one and two people at the same time, chasing our own pleasure but wanting to give it all to one other, chasing the release, chasing that edge but not wanting to jump, not yet, not when everything felt so good.

But it was becoming hard to keep the inevitable away. Every move became erratic, the rhythm got lost, the kisses sloppy and slow.

Castiel pushed his forehead against mine, eyes squeezed shut in concentration, “te-tell me h-how are you feeling?” his ragged breathy voice barely reached my buzzing ears.

I grabbed his head,kissing him deeply before making him look at me,

“Free”

We were together at the edge, holding hands and as we shuttered in each other’s arms, we flew together.


End file.
